tHE STRING CHEESE INCIDENT

CASE FILE #018

CASE FILE: THE STRING CHEESE INCIDENT

Mission Log

What began as a routine Tuesday morning quickly escalated into a dairy-related emergency.

At approximately 8:14 A.M., Duck-9 responded to reports of a string cheese suffering what appeared to be a catastrophic structural failure.

Upon arrival, investigators discovered something far worse.

Someone had bitten it.

Not peeled it.

Not pulled it apart.

Bitten it.

The Discovery

The evidence was lying in plain sight.

One partially consumed stick of string cheese. Multiple bite marks. Wrapper nearby. No attempt to conceal the crime.

The suspect remained at the scene.

When questioned, he showed no remorse.

Duck-9 asked the only reasonable question:

“You know it comes apart, right?”

The suspect did not answer.

He simply took another bite.

In front of a reporter.

The Investigation

At that moment, the entire nature of the investigation changed.

The cheese was no longer considered suspicious.

It had done everything expected of it. It was manufactured in strands. It separated into strands. It had spent its entire refrigerated existence waiting patiently to be pulled apart one ridiculous little piece at a time.

The problem was standing next to it.

Eating it like a Slim Jim.

Duck-9 lowered his notepad.

A determination had been made.

“We’re no longer investigating the cheese.”

Feathered Thought

There are rules we write down.

There are rules society simply understands.

You return the shopping cart.

You let people off the elevator before getting on.

And when someone hands you a food specifically named string cheese, you string the damn cheese.

Apparently, not everyone received the briefing.

Final Note

The suspect remains at large.

He has expressed no regret.

He has offered no apology.

And sources close to the investigation confirm he will almost certainly do it again.

The cheese has been cleared of all wrongdoing.

The investigation has shifted to the man holding it.

CASE STATUS: OPEN
OFFENSE: Aggravated Mozzarella Misconduct
EVIDENCE: One badly bitten string cheese
SUSPECT: Unrepentant
THREAT LEVEL: Dairy concerning

Report filed.
— Duck-9 Investigates