The Claustrophobic Astronaut

CASE FILE #005

The Claustrophobic Astronaut

Filed by: Duck-9
Location: Low Earth Orbit
Classification: Occupational Hazard

REPORT SUMMARY

I immediately regretted volunteering for the space program.

Mission Control described the spacecraft as "efficient."

I would describe it as "being vacuum-sealed with a dashboard."

There wasn't enough room to stretch my legs.

There wasn't enough room to scratch my bill.

There wasn't enough room to have a private thought.

The official specifications listed the capsule as capable of supporting one astronaut.

They neglected to mention it was emotionally designed for half of one.

Every surface was either a switch, a gauge, a pipe, or another reminder that personal space had officially been canceled.

For the sake of journalism, I attempted to remain objective.

I documented the conditions.

I measured the available elbow room.

The measurements were... disappointing.

At one point another astronaut floated over, looked inside, and asked the obvious question.

"You okay?"

I considered several responses.

Instead, I looked through the window.

Outside sat the largest expanse known to humanity.

Infinite stars.

Infinite darkness.

Infinite room.

Unfortunately...

I wasn't in that part.

Apparently...

I just needed a little space.

REPORTER'S NOTES

Subject: Claustrophobia
Finding: Confirmed.

Cabin Size: Optimistic.

Legroom: Theoretical.

Professional Composure: Maintained.

Personal Comfort: Missing in action.

CASE STATUS: Filed.
Recommendation: Future missions should consider making spacecraft at least one duck wider.