THE POST-COITAL SMOKE INVESTIGATION

CASE FILE #005

THE POST-COITAL SMOKE INVESTIGATION

There are certain questions a reporter expects to encounter in the field.

Who did it?

What happened?

Where were you?

And, on particularly difficult assignments, why is everything suddenly on fire?

Then my girlfriend asked me a question I was not professionally prepared for.

“Do you smoke after sex?”

I froze.

Twenty years of investigative instinct told me not to answer recklessly.

This was no time for assumptions.

I needed evidence.

I located a cigarette. Secured the scene. Deployed the magnifying glass. Examined the ash. Studied the smoke. Took notes.

Observation: Smoke confirmed.
Source: Undetermined.
Cause: Investigation ongoing.

I reviewed the evidence twice.

Nothing.

Finally, she asked again.

“Well?”

I adjusted my glasses.

Looked over my notes.

And gave her the only answer supported by the evidence.

“I don’t know.”

A pause.

“I’ve never looked.”

She left the room.

I considered following her, but there was still paperwork to finish.

CASE STATUS: Inconclusive.
Further investigation: Strongly discouraged.

Report filed.

— Duck-9
FDS News